so last week i asked a few of the girls to pray for me. Since the Alameda church plant started rolling about a month ago, it feels like I’ve been under attack in every direction.

God answered my prayer in a weird way. welcome, but weird.

all of a sudden, my eyes are opened to things about myself that i never realized or admitted to myself.  like about my ability to love people, who I choose to love and who I hold grudges against.  like about my ability to take criticism, whether it is appropriate or not.  and things like jealousy or selfishness or how I spend my time, my life, who and what I am seeking after.  Things I need to fix, or make room for God to fix, so I can really be wearing God’s armor, so I can be less vulnerable to Satan’s attacks.  Time for some major soul cleanup.

when I said “open my eyes” to the areas I need to work on, did I really want it?  because, see, once you realize you are sinning, you have to deal with it.  Confess to the people you sin against, confess to God, make a committment to fix it. you can’t keep going back.  I think a lot of times we don’t want to realize.  We say we want to be like Christ, but we don’t want to be made aware of the areas in which we are not.

God, give me a heart that is teachable, correctable.  Give me a heart that says “open my eyes,” and then follows through, doesn’t ignore what you reveal, is willing to take the next step even at risk of my pride.  Give me a heart that is love and forgiveness. Give me a heart that reflects you.